


When the Cause and Cure is You

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode: s06e16 Drought Conditions, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-01
Updated: 2006-10-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 07:45:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: Suddenly I am gripped with the fear that the truth is worse than anything I could imagine.





	When the Cause and Cure is You

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: I have been trying to write this story since the creation of Nora, but had much difficulty capturing the feelings. Mix insomnia, nicotine, heavy metal, with a little push and there you have it. Kids, don't try this at home.  


* * *

It’s a chilly night but I stopped shivering a while ago. I needed the fresh air, the time to think and the space. He is inside the house but I can't reach him. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach him again. When my mother died, Toby followed me to Providence and played the knight in shining armor. I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. His brother died a month ago and he pushed me away. He pushed everyone away but it does not work that way with me.

He would not let me go to David’s funeral. I've been sick lately and he said it was too soon after my accident. Bullshit. I sustained no physical injuries in the accident. I was in a coma for about a week and I lost a chunk of my memory that I am slowly recovering. What does that have to do with anything? I remember David and his temperamental relationship with my husband. I remember the brain tumor diagnosis. I even remember the last time we spoke, a snowy Sunday when I called to see how he was doing. Toby was never comfortable with my closeness to the Ziegler clan. He never knows how to feel when his family is around…the scared, defensive little boy comes back.

Now David is dead and my marriage may not be far behind. I have never seen Toby so withdrawn and I've seen him through a lot. He is moody, unapproachable, and downright mean. We fight, which is something we have never done before. Sure Toby and I bicker; that was part of the fun. We like to engage each other in mental exercises that lead to the best physical exercises. The other night though, he screamed so loud it scared the hell out of me. It also woke the baby…Nicky is not used to that kind of noise in his environment. I don’t know where his head is…I can't reach him. What am I going to do if I can't reach him?

Someone can reach him. A woman I barely know, except in passing, seems to understand my husband better than I do. Senator Rikki Rafferty is not going to run for President. That won't stop her from kicking water at the candidates in the pool. Her healthcare initiative tripled her popularity, while not necessarily on the Hill, with the public. It scared the Vice-President enough to actually come out and say something that nearly mattered. It scared Josh into kicking up the fledging Santos campaign a notch. However, 19% in New Hampshire for a virtual unknown is cause to cheer.

I don’t give a damn about her healthcare initiative; it’s not even hers. Toby wrote it, he wrote it for the President and it never got out of the box. He gave it to her; wanted her to make waves and make this election about something more than the new Vice-President vs. the old Vice-President vs. the Mexican-American maverick. The two of them have been spending a lot of time together lately and I am not the only one who notices. He came home tonight smelling of bourbon, cigars, and the faint smell of a perfume that I would never wear…he is fucking her right under my nose.

The dark place in my mind wonders what she can give him that I am unable to. Was he able to tell her that David killed himself? He thinks I don't know that you see, but how could I not. Does he tell her that she’s beautiful, and she is the only one who understands? Does he moan her name when he is inside her and do things to her body that make her cry? Then he comes home to me, looks at me with vacant brown eyes, and doesn’t tell me that he loves me. I live with a stranger and don’t know what to do.

The fighter in me wants to confront her. Go to Capitol Hill and tell her to keep her whoring hands off my husband. Drive by her house with the car lights out and throw a brick through her living room window. Perhaps follow him; catch them in the act. Scream, fight and defend my honor. Make her ashamed to show her face in public. What kind of woman steals someone’s husband? What sort of woman doesn’t care about breaking up a family? Oh God, this is not about Rikki. Yes, I hate her; I think I have a bit of a right. But this is Toby’s fault. He is doing this. He is hurting our family. The responsibility falls on him, not his girlfriend.

Today he and Josh got into a fistfight. An actual fistfight, in the White House of all places. Then he holed up for CJ in his office for nearly an hour. I cannot bare the fact that he opened up to her and not me. I love her like a sister, but she is not his wife. When I saw he later she claimed she couldn’t talk to me…there was a lot of work to be done. I know her eyes and I know when she is struggling to keep something she doesn’t want to keep. I can only imagine that he told her about the affair and she couldn’t look at me. She was already giving away a job that was rightfully mine to Cliff Calley; she had enough guilt on her shoulders.

Josh is gone; it would seem a natural progression for me to replace him. I had no problem with CJ replacing Leo…I don’t want to be White House Chief of Staff. I found out tonight I am not even going to be Deputy White House Chief of Staff. Cliff Calley was offered the position. CJ doesn't even like him. I wanted to know why; what else do I need to do to prove myself. Cliff isn’t even a Democrat for fuck’s sake. I couldn’t talk to CJ; I couldn’t talk to anyone. It was mass hysteria there today. I spent most of the day ducking people, even the President of the United States. 

Charlie finally pulled me aside. I tried to avoid him and when that didn’t work, I unleashed all of my anger and frustration on him. He took it in stride…read me like a cheap novel. He was right; with everything I was going through, I did not need the added stress of the Deputy job. The Bartlet Administration had 10 months left, a ceremonial promotion wasn’t necessary.

I didn’t care about the job anyway. I just want my husband back; that’s all I want. This life will be over before I can blink and we promised to be together. I want him to open up to me…I want him to come back to our bed. We just found each other again and now he is gone. This rift may never be mended and I don’t think I can ever forgive him if he violated our vows with that woman.

“It’s freezing out there Nora. Come inside.”

I turn in the direction of the voice and we just look at each other. Well, we are not looking at each other…we haven’t since Sophie called to say David was dead. Toby looks his shoes and I look at his chest.

“I'm fine. Go to bed if you want.”

It’s not like I need to be there. It’s not as if he has anything to offer me after wearing himself out with Rikki. I can hardly conceal my anguish. He has to think I am a total idiot. I saw him leave the party tonight. He whispered with CJ and then he snuck out. I saw them together, huddled at the bar like longtime lovers. The way she touched the cut on his face; the intimacy of it. It made me want to throw up. I don’t know if I can ever lie beside him again.

“You'll catch cold Nora. Please come in.”

I lit another cigarette and ignored him. If I open my mouth, I won't be able to stop it. I won't be able to come back from the edge of the canyon and I’ll fall over from the weight of my anger. For a moment, he almost sounded like his old self; like my speechwriter. Like the man I don’t think he is anymore. He stood in the doorway for a while, maybe watching my back or counting backwards from 100, I don’t know. He gave up though, and walked away from me. I had to get my mind right…I was nearly dizzy with confusion. This could not go on for much longer. What was I going to do? Who was going to be on my side, there for me to cling to before falling into the abyss? How would I unleash my pain and my sadness? Above everything else I was so sad.

“You think we can talk?”

Why is he back? What could he possibly want to talk about? Maybe he just wants to end this too. Maybe the marriage is no longer worthwhile for him. Maybe he wants to save it and it is time for his confession. I don’t want to hear it…suddenly I am gripped with the fear that the truth is worse than anything I imagined. How am I supposed to handle that?

He comes to sit by me since I do not answer him. We avoid eye contact as I take another cigarette from the pack. It trembles in my hand so I put it back; he cannot see me sweat. I sip my wine, take a deep breath and finally look in his eyes.

“Why don’t you talk and I listen.” I say this with more confidence than I feel.

“It’s not going to be easy to say or to hear.”

“Yeah.” I nod, and the damn tears come. I couldn’t stop them. Covering my eyes, I try to regain composure but the sobs are next, and they rack me until I feel nauseous. If he was about to tell me what I thought he was, it wouldn’t matter. I was going to cry for a long time. I was never going to recover from this.

“Nora, why are you crying? What's the matter?”

“Why are you asking me stupid questions? Don’t be such a fucking idiot…acting as if you have no idea. Tell me what you need to tell me!”

The silence is deafening. I got myself under control by taking deep breaths. If I were to stand right now I know I would crumble to the ground like dominos.

“Time is running out Toby.”

“Believe me, I know.”

I sat there and I listened as it all sputtered out of him. He stuttered, he stopped, and he gesticulated wildly. Tears overwhelmed him and he even got up and walked away from me. Coming back, he begged and pleaded. He asked for forgiveness and a chance to make it right. I was hurting and he blamed himself. He was the one who ripped our happy family at the seams when all I ever did was love him. He thought he didn’t deserve my love and couldn’t understand why he was intent on destroying the one good thing in his life. I would leave him just like Andi did…isn’t that what he deserved?

“You expect me to believe that nothing happened with her Toby?”

I hardly hear my voice but it must have been harsh because Toby looked like I opened his chest and dug out his heart with a spoon. Good, the dark part of my mind thought, now you have an inkling of what I have felt for weeks.

“Yeah, I do.” He replied.

“Why?”

“Because no matter what happens I would never do that to you Nora. I couldn’t do that.”

“Why should I believe a damn thing you say?” I stood on shaky legs. “I saw you with her tonight; try to lie your way out of that.”

“I…that probably didn’t look good. I didn’t sleep with her. I've been through so much and I need you now.”

Now? So you need me now and I am supposed to wrap myself around you like a security blanket. I'm supposed to forget my pain and heartache. All is forgiven because you decide to confess, or confess as much as acceptable. God, you are so selfish. Rikki Rafferty can have you.

“Toby, I needed you for almost a month. Where have you been you selfish son of a bitch?”

“Nora…”

“Forget it. There is nothing left to say…I'm exhausted. Don’t come into my room tonight.”

I'm alone again, but it is not a new feeling. Under the covers I cry and wonder what will happen tomorrow. Have I lost my husband for good? Oh dear God, this is too much…I am so sick, literally and figuratively. And as I rush to the bathroom to rid myself of the dinner I barely picked over and a glass and a half of red wine, I know something will have to be resolved soon. Toby picks me up from the floor. No words are spoken as he put me back in bed and sits in the chair across the room. He is staring at me; I can feel it. I close my eyes because I feel so heavy I just need to let go.

“Come to bed Toby.”

“What?”

“Come to bed and hold onto me so I can fall.” I sobbed, hating my weakness in the face of everything.

He did and I did. With his arms around me and the thump of his heartbeat on my back, I knew I couldn’t let him go. There would have to be more conversation, more truth, maybe even more lies. The love I have for him is not going to go away and even if we didn’t make it…oh, I didn’t want to think about that anymore. Something will come with the morning sun, either a new beginning or the end. We will face it together even if it’s for the last time.

***


End file.
